Of Elves, Men, Dwarves, Hobbits, and... Fan-girls?
by Sparky and The Fly
Summary: Author transports LoTR characters to her classroom. Hilarity ensues. Review or I'll send Aragorn after you.


Of Men, Dwarves, Elves, Hobbits and …Fan-girls?  
  
Author's note: This is my first attempt at Lord of the Rings fanfiction. Be nice.  
  
"It's MINE!"  
  
"No, its MINE!!"  
  
The two girls in the corner of the classroom stared each other down over what they were fighting over. The glares could have killed pigeons in mid- air, but they were in vain, as neither girl would give in.  
  
"Elijah's mine!"  
  
"No, he's always been mine! We were born for each other!!"  
  
Now, anyone else, anywhere else, this little exchange would count for pretty strange behaviour, but this was Martha and Hannah. Me, I'd be more worried if they weren't acting like this.  
  
"Mine!"  
  
Unwisely, another girl decided to get involved in the argument. Her name was Vicky, and I say WAS intentionally, as the way things were going, she could very soon become past tense. "Actually I think you'll find it's-"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"But it was my poster-"  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
"Um.. sorry, my mistake," Vicky whimpered and went to look for some saner people. Not finding any, she spotted Emily, Amy, Katie Willan and Ellie, who were all physically attached to an article in 'Hello!' on Orlando Bloom and his girlfriend. Realising the occasional mutters of 'Cow!', 'Who does she think she is?' and 'Bitch!' were not directed at her, but at Orlando's lucky, lucky significant other, Vicky sighed with relief and sat down to eat her lunch with Legolas's biggest fans. Probably not the best idea in the history of good ideas, but it was a lot healthier than her earlier escapade.  
  
For a few blissful moments, there was silence. Silence however, in the wonderful world of class LVN, never lasts for very long. (Unless you're asking for tidiness volunteers that is…)  
  
Someone sniffed pitifully, "But…its…MINE!!!!!!!!"  
  
Katie Rowe looked up. (Don't get her mixed up with Katie Willan, I'm not sure who would be more insulted, but this Katie is definitely NOT a Legolas fan.) Usually being distracted from your history coursework would be counted as a good thing, but as the deadline had been set for tomorrow, I don't think Katie saw it that way. She directed one of her famous Deathglares™ at the squabbling Frodo fans. "For God's sake, it a picture! Get over it!"  
  
Martha, possibly the braver of the two, protested with a dreamy look on her face. "But it's not just a picture, it's Eliiiiiijah!" The dreamy look faded, and she scowled. "And it's MINE!"  
  
"No its MINE!"  
  
With the ease of an international art thief stealing candy from a baby, Katie extracted the picture from the open-mouthed fan-girls. She smirked evilly, "If you insist on arguing over it, I could always give you half each?"  
  
Martha sobbed loudly, and Hannah sighed, "Oh fine," she said bitterly. "It's hers, I like Sean Bean better anyway…"  
  
Katie, somewhat reluctantly, handed the poster back to the triumphant Martha, who squealed with glee and kissed 'Elijah.'  
  
"Think happy thoughts…" muttered Hannah underneath her breath, stalking over to where Jenni, the aspiring author (I can always hope…) was sitting typing furiously away at her laptop.  
  
"Sean Bean?" said Jenni thoughtfully, not looking up when Hannah sat down next to  
  
her. "Isn't he Boromir?"  
  
"Yep," Hannah nodded proudly.  
  
"But he dies."  
  
Hannah squeaked, and Jenni realised she was on to something. "And then they put him over the waterfall and he gets made into lots of little tiny pieces…"  
  
"Shut up!" cried Hannah. "You always have to spoil my dreams!"  
  
"Oh, I spoil your dreams do I?" said Jenni indignantly, her eyes beginning to fill up with tears. "Who told me Bono from U2 was married?!"  
  
Hannah quickly changed the subject, this was still a sore point for her friend. "So… whatcha doing?"  
  
"Writing fanfic," she sniffed.  
  
"So why do you keep looking up from the laptop, smirking at us, then typing stuff and giggling to yourself?" asked Becky, who had been eating her lunch with Katie Rowe and griping about how everyone was so obsessed with Lord of the Rings. "It's scaring me."  
  
"Because," said Jenni, looking pointedly at Hannah. "All I have to do for inspiration is sit back and marvel at the stupidity of the human race."  
  
Becky snickered, and so did Hannah, until she realised that the remark probably referred to her and Martha's earlier scuffle. "HEY!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~ In another time, place and reality…~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Ah hah!" cried Frodo gleefully, jumping from a tree onto two poor, poor, unsuspecting people taking a nice quiet walk in the forest. "A Ranger off his guard!!! – ack - sorry – argh - ouch…not so off his guard then…"  
  
"Oops…" said Strider. "Sorry Frodo, I didn't realise it was you."  
  
As Strider helped Frodo up, Legolas could just be heard whispering "Suuure you didn't…" Strider coughed guiltily.  
  
Dusting the dust from his tunic, Frodo looked puzzled. "What Legolas?"  
  
"Nothing…Didn't say a word…"  
  
"So, what troubles our young hobbit today?" asked Strider. "Orcs? Saruman? The Dark Riders? Rabid squirrels? The friendly neighbourhood badgers up to their old tricks and looking at the ring in a suspicious sort of way?"  
  
"But they were…" muttered Frodo.  
  
"So? What do you need Strider to come save your hide from this time?" Legolas asked.  
  
1.1.1.1 "Well, I was just wondering if I could take another look in Galadriel's mirror?"  
  
"And you came all the way out here to ask US that question? What in the phrase 'Galadriel's mirror' don't you understand?"  
  
"Well… also, as it is so awfully lonely out here, I thought I might come and join you two…"  
  
Legolas's eyes flashed angrily, and he began to say something when Strider stopped him. "That's enough Legolas. Frodo, if you really want to go look in the mirror then we're not stopping you, and I'm sure Galadriel won't mind, you are the ringbearer after all. It's not like she's expecting a call or anything…"  
  
"Oh. Okay." Frodo turned around and began to walk in the opposite direction to Strider and Legolas. "Bye!"  
  
Strider sighed thankfully, "Well that got rid of him."  
  
Legolas looked thoughtful. "That was too easy…"  
  
Strider then felt something tap him on the shoulder. "Strider? Will you come with me?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~ Back in LVN ~*~*~*~*~  
  
Hannah sniffed. "You're mean…"  
  
"I know. I'm sorry," said Jenni, still not looking up from her typing.  
  
"You don't mean that do you?"  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
"Jenni?" asked Becky.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
She pointed to the screen. "That's got my name on it…"  
  
"So?"  
  
"It's got mine on too." said Hannah.  
  
"I told you; the stupidity of the human race."  
  
"Let me see!" said Becky, Jenni shook her head and Becky pouted. "Please?"  
  
"No. That may work on some people, but you've been using that act on me for more than seven years. I'm not THAT much of a sucker." Becky pouted some more, realised there wasn't much of a heart to appeal to here, and went back to eating her lunch with Katie.  
  
"Hannah, why are you being so quiet?" asked Jenni.  
  
There was silence.  
  
"You're plotting something…"  
  
Hannah grabbed for the laptop, and so did Jenni. It made some very strange whirring and beeping noises. Hannah let go. "Ididn'tdoit," she said, all too automatically. "Don'thitme." Hannah pointed to some random person on the other side of the room, "Shedidit!"  
  
"I did what?" cried Ellie.  
  
"You can come out from under the table now, Hannah," said Jenni. "It seems to be okay- Oh. Shit."  
  
The laptop made even further strange noises and said "Starting Mirrors 98 version 3.0. } Bzt! { Please stand by."  
  
~*~*~*~*~ Elsewhere… ~*~*~*~*~  
  
Frodo, Strider and Legolas looked into the mirror, mystified by what they saw.  
  
"But…" said Strider.  
  
"Well," said Frodo. "I've never seen one of those before."  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I meant I've never seen one in the mirror!" protested Frodo unconvincingly.  
  
Indeed, in the mirror, looking just as confused as the hobbit, elf and ranger, were two teenage girls.  
  
~*~*~*~*~ Again, the wonderful world of LVN… ~*~*~*~*~  
  
"It's Frodo!" cried Hannah joyfully, peering into the laptop.  
  
"And Strider!" shouted Jenni, just as joyfully.  
  
"Frodo? Where?" said Martha and Vicky simultaneously as they rushed over to investigate. There being no other Strider/Frodo fan-girls in the room, the rest of the classroom remained relatively tranquil.  
  
"Is he alright?" Jenni pointed to Frodo.  
  
"He's so fine!" said Vicky.  
  
"Why wouldn't he be?" asked Martha.  
  
"Well he sort of looks all shocked and wide-eyed…"  
  
"Oh, don't worry," said Hannah. "He always looks like that."  
  
Martha shrieked, "Don't be so nasty!"  
  
"But he does…" said Jenni.  
  
"Well," said Vicky. "Strider looks all…" she searched for the right word. "Old."  
  
"So?" grinned Jenni.  
  
"And stubbley," said Martha.  
  
"So?"  
  
"Eeeew!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~ You know where… ~*~*~*~*~  
  
The ranger, hobbit and elf stared at the four squabbling girls. Though they couldn't hear what they were saying, Strider and the others had certainly got the gist of the argument.  
  
"They can see us too, can't they?" asked Legolas warily.  
  
"I think so," said Frodo.  
  
"That's it. I'm off," said Legolas, walking away.  
  
"What?" asked Strider. "Scared of a couple of females?"  
  
"They're not just females, they're teenage girls. To be precise, fan- girls," Legolas almost spat the last word. "And yes, I am bloody scared of them!" He stalked off, and Strider looked torn between following the elf, and staying with Frodo.  
  
He was just about to go for the first option, when Frodo screamed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~ Really, you had ought to know where by now… ~*~*~*~*~  
  
Hannah pointed at the laptop, "You can't make fun of Strider's stubble, at least he's old enough to HAVE it! Unlike Frodo…"  
  
Martha looked puzzled. "Who's side are you on Hannah?"  
  
"I don't think the author can make up her mind," said Hannah, rolling her eyes.  
  
"The author?" asked Vicky, frowning.  
  
"Well, yes! I'm the author!!" proclaimed Jenni. "So you'd better stop arguing and get on with the plot!"  
  
"Plot? What plot?" asked Hannah incredulously.  
  
Jenni continued. "-or I'll write you snogging various male French teachers as fast as I can type it on that laptop!" Just to show she meant her threat, she typed something and Mr. Gough walked by the window.  
  
"The laptop? What's that got to do with it?" asked Vicky. "What's that got to do with anything?"  
  
Hannah sighed, and pointed at the screen, where Frodo could be seen peering cautiously at them, like some sort of timid zoo animal. "Well isn't it obvious? It's magic!"  
  
"Oh," said Martha. "I just thought that was some really cool website."  
  
"So where's the modem? This is my fanfiction story coming to life!" Jenni's eyes lit up. "Oooh… the POWER!"  
  
Martha and Hannah slowly backed away from Jenni, they knew what she could be like in this mood. Vicky however, did not, and, deciding that the power to warp reality was slightly safer in her own hands that that of the insane author, she tried to snatch the laptop. Unfortunately her aim was a little off, and her hand disappeared through the screen…  
  
~~~~~ A certain Elvish Kingdom ~~~~~  
  
"Argh!" Frodo jumped back away from the mirror, as a hand shot out of it. He  
  
screamed, "Strider! Help!"  
  
Somebody on the other side shouted, "Frodo!" and giggled absurdly. The hand grabbed Frodo by the collar and pulled him towards the mirror.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Vicky squealed as she pulled Frodo through the mirror, and 'chaos ensued' became the official understatement of the century. Several things happened at once.  
  
Martha fainted.  
  
Vicky grinned, "Hello there, blue eyes…" she said seductively.  
  
Frodo screamed, "STRIDER!!!"  
  
"Strider? Where?!" cried Jenni frantically.  
  
The rest of the class looked on in awe.  
  
Hannah put her head in her hands, having been in one of Jenni's fanfics before. "Here we go again…" She then realised the possible very good outcomes of the situation and helped Vicky drag the hysterical Frodo through the laptop…  
  
"STRIDER! HELP!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Strider briefly wrestled with his conscience. He could help Frodo, or he could leave him to his fate and have rid of the annoying little creature forever. Decisions, decisions…  
  
But… well… he was the ringbearer…  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
A tug of war was going on between Strider and the fan-girls, as once she had seen Strider, Jenni had also joined in. "Katie! Come help!"  
  
Katie Rowe looked up, took in the situation, dismissed this as the norm from her rather odd friends, and went back to her book.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
On the other side of the mirror, Strider was fighting a losing battle. He may have been a ranger, but he had never faced the legendary power of the 'fan-girl' before… He knew a certain pointy-eared warrior who might have had some experience though.  
  
"LEGOLAS!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
At the sound of His holy name, Katie and Emily's heads snapped up from the magazine they'd been drooling over. They both shot towards the laptop, tripping over bags and tables in the process. Ellie and Amy were a little slower, but soon they were all right there helping with the tug of war. Soon, inevitably, Frodo had been pulled through, so had Strider, and Legolas, (who had got over his huff with Strider and finally deigned to help him. The poor unsuspecting elf… *the author grins, throws back her head and cackles* Mwahahahahaha!)  
  
For a few blissful moments, all was still, whilst everyone regained their breath. Then they realised where they were…  
  
Legolas, having had the most experience with fan-girls, was the first to comprehend the danger he was in.  
  
"Fuck!" He shouted and ran for the door. Emily however, her predatory instincts honed by months of 'elf-hunting', was one step ahead of the game. She leapt forward with a cry of, "Oh no you don't!" and soon she and the rest of the fan-girls had Legolas in a head-lock.  
  
Strider shook himself out of his daze and backed away slowly from the leering author. He had almost reached the door when Jenni shouted, "It's locked you know!"  
  
Strider, a look of impending-doom on his face, tried the handle. Sure enough it was locked. "How…?"  
  
Jenni smiled sweetly and held up the laptop, "Absolute power!"  
  
Strider sighed in defeat. "You're not a slash author, are you?" He asked suspiciously.  
  
Jenni grinned, "Well… I might be if you refuse to do what you're told…Some of those fics with you and Legolas as a couple can be quite sweet…" Strider looked horrified, and Jenni looked smug. "Yes… I'm sure I'd love the chance to perfect my slash writing technique, so don't give me an excuse. Now be a good boy and sit." Strider sat.  
  
Hannah, Martha and Vicky were gathered around Frodo, who was lying on the floor unconscious, having followed Martha's example by fainting earlier.  
  
Becky came over and poked the hobbit with her foot. "Eeeew! What does it do?"  
  
Martha shooed her away. "Don't kick him! That's blasphemy!"  
  
Hannah checked his pulse before turning back to her friends, "Don't worry, he's still alive," she paused. "I hope."  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas had somehow squirmed out of Emily's headlock, and was backed into a corner as the giggling fan-girls closed in on him like a pack of hungry hyenas. In a last-ditch attempt at escape, the elf leapt Mission- Impossible style for the ceiling rafters. With his elfin agility, and not to mention sheer luck, he managed to catch on to one with both hands, and heave himself up. Legolas graced the girls with a triumphant smirk, before hastily pulling his legs up onto the rafter as Katie W almost caught on to his foot.  
  
Plan thwarted, Katie sighed, "Oh well. What goes up, must come down."  
  
Amy grinned maliciously, "It's only a matter of time."  
  
And so they stood, waiting for him to drop like a ripe apple from a tree…  
  
Frodo had now regained consciousness, and was looking round wildly with that wide-eyed expression he had mastered oh-so-well. "Striiiiiideeeeeerrrr!!" he squealed. "HEEELLP!!!"  
  
"Sorry Frodo," Strider said, brandishing a chair. "I'm busy with this thing!" He pointed it at Jenni, who growled in what she thought to be a seductive manner, before jumping at him. Strider fell over and the duo disappeared behind a table with a cry of "Arrgh!"  
  
Katie lowered her book and calmly surveyed the scene before her. An elf was hanging from the rafters, and Amy and Ellie were each hanging from one of his legs. There was a short, rather ugly thing with hairy feet that was being cooed over by the girls, who were saying things such as "Aw…Isn't it cute?" And that stubbley man with the big sword and the need for a hairbrush was … well Katie didn't exactly know what Jenni and Strider were doing, but she didn't want to either.  
  
Hannah was gazing longingly into the laptop. "Boromir…." she sighed. Suddenly a lethal looking axe came flying through the screen, missing Hannah's nose by millimetres and burying itself in the wall behind her. She screamed and fell off her chair.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Boromir edged cautiously towards the mirror, looking as if he expected it to leap up and attack him at any moment. Gimli, Sam, Merry and Pippin followed at a distance.  
  
"Are you sure you haven't overdosed on lembas Boromir?" Merry asked.  
  
"I swear!" Boromir cried, gesturing wildly at the mirror. "They went through there!"  
  
Merry and Pip exchanged glances. "No more Elvish food for you…" Pip said, backing away.  
  
"Look, I saw it with my own eyes!" Boromir shouted. "Somebody, or something pulled them through the mirror!"  
  
Gimli drew his axe and took a few paces back. "Fear not, I will destroy it with my axe!"  
  
"That's your answer to everything!" said Sam, who put on a gruff voice and imitated the dwarf. "There's an Orc army outside the gates! I will destroy it with my axe! We need a ringbearer! I will destroy it with my axe! Legolas has split ends! I will destroy it with my axe!"  
  
Ignoring Sam, Gimli raised his axe and ran at the mirror.  
  
Merry and Pippin rolled their eyes, "Here we go again…"  
  
Gimli swung the axe at the mirror, and expected to feel breaking glass. Instead the axe was sucked through. Gimli stared in horror.  
  
"My axe! It ate my axe!" he shrieked. He threw himself at the mirror and was halfway through when Boromir caught hold of his ankles.  
  
"Sam! Merry! Pip!" The man called. "Help! He's being sucked through!"  
  
The hobbits joined in, but the strength of the mirror was too much and they were all pulled through.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Merry and Pip sat up. Boromir groaned and pushed Sam off him. "Get off me you fool! Where are we?" He turned to Gimli and pouted, "This is your fault!"  
  
Gimli's face lit up and he ran past where Hannah was sitting and pulled his axe out of the wall. He then sat down caressing it for a while, occasionally muttering "My preciouss..."  
  
"Boromir began to say, "Well, at least he's happy-" but then he stopped. He noticed the girl sitting next to him, looking at him very strangely. "Can I help you?" He asked politely.  
  
"Boromir…" she whispered.  
  
"I said, can I help you miss?"  
  
Hannah shook herself out of her daze. "No thanks, I think I'll help myself!" She then launched herself at him.  
  
There was a cry from the other side of the room as Legolas finally fell from the rafters. The hyenas pounced…  
  
Merry and Pippin took one look at the screaming girls and ran out of the door. As no-one in the room was particularly fond of the two hobbits, they were permitted to leave. (Well… as sweet as Merry is…I happened to be otherwise occupied…)  
  
Jenni and Strider emerged from under the table, and she surveyed the carnage in the classroom. Strider eyed her nervously. He had decided that the best plan of action was to play along with her, hopefully that way he could gain the crazy girl's trust before escaping unnoticed. His conscience told him he should try to rescue the others as well. Jenni grinned at him again, and the ranger shuddered. Sod the others, he was getting out of here as soon as possible!!  
  
The author stood on a table and cleared her throat. She was unanimously ignored.  
  
"Ummm…Strider?" she asked hesitantly.  
  
Strider jumped guiltily – he'd been heading for the door. "What do you want now?"  
  
"They're all ignoring me!"  
  
"What do you want me to do about it?"  
  
Moments later, Jenni banged Strider's sword on the table. (Get your mind out of the gutter right now!)  
  
Bang!  
  
Crash!  
  
Clang!  
  
"Oops…" said Jenni as she broke the table. When she had everyone's attention, the author shouted at them. "Hey people! Okay, if I don't do something interesting with this fic, it's just gonna turn into one big orgy and the readers will get bored, so has anyone got any suggestions?"  
  
"I liked the mass orgy idea…" Hannah leered at Boromir.  
  
"You would. Anyone else got any ideas?"  
  
"I could marry Orlie!" said Emily eagerly.  
  
"Or I could!" shouted Amy.  
  
"Or me!" shouted Ellie.  
  
"No! me!" said Katie Willan.  
  
Legolas cringed as the girls growled at each other.  
  
"Nope," said Jenni. "Bad idea. That would just be sad, and I'm writing this for the humour category." As various objects were thrown at her, Jenni shouted, "Okay, okay, I'm sorry! Ouch! Really! OUCH!"  
  
"You could always do what you usually do in all your fanfics," suggested Katie Rowe.  
  
"What's that?" asked Jenni.  
  
"Play 'I've never'." Katie said indulgently.  
  
"Oh yeah. I do always do that, don't I?"  
  
Katie rolled her eyes.  
  
"You've never what?" asked Becky.  
  
"It's a game," said Katie.  
  
"A good game," said Jenni. "That you never let me play!"  
  
"That's because we're boring people, and 'I've never' only works if you've got any embarrassing secrets to reveal," said Hannah.  
  
"You've never what?" asked Martha.  
  
"It's a game!"said Katie exasperatedly.  
  
"We're going to play a game?" asked Boromir disgustedly.  
  
"It's a drinking game," Hannah encouraged.  
  
"Oh, well why didn't you say before?" said Strider.  
  
"Yes," said Gimli. "Let us play 'I've never."  
  
"You've never what?" asked Frodo.  
  
"It's a GAME!!" shouted Katie, and the hobbit cowered.  
  
"Okay," said Hannah. "The rules are that we all get some sort of strong alcohol, which I think Jenni is working on right about now…"  
  
Jenni was busy typing away, and Strider looked thoughtful. "If that laptop is so powerful, then has anyone ever questioned the wisdom of letting HER have the power over our, speech, actions and free will?!"  
  
"Well…" said Emily. Jenni turned around and glared suspiciously at them all, and Emily continued trying to sound innocent. "Nice weather we've been having lately, huh?"  
  
"Anyway…" said Hannah. "Back to the rules. When it's your turn you have to say something you've never done, for instance, "I've never had a crush on someone with multiple personalities…"  
  
"Shut up Hannah!" shouted Jenni still typing.  
  
"…Who's old enough to be my father…"  
  
"Well you're one to talk about fancying older men!"  
  
Hannah continued, smiling at Boromir, "And If you've done that thing, you drink."  
  
Amy looked puzzled. "Drink what?"  
  
Jenni hit the Enter button, and five crates of champagne landed on the desk in front of Amy.  
  
"Hmm…." said Strider. "Maybe we'll let her keep the laptop…"  
  
Jenni smiled proudly. "You all got the rules?" she asked, as Hannah and Katie gave out glasses. "If you've done it, drink. The losers are the ones who get drunk first, as they give away more secrets and so regret it more the morning after." She paused thoughtfully, "If they can remember in morning that is… The point of the game? Mindless destruction of the liver and reputation. Fun, no?"  
  
"The liver is evil – it must be destroyed!" said Becky.  
  
"Indeed. Hannah, would you like to start?"  
  
"I've never seen Frodo naked," said Hannah, sounding annoyed at this fact. Frodo, getting the hang of the game, drank some of his champagne. "Okaay…That figures. Anyone else?" Sam drank. "Interesting…" And so did Martha. "Even more interesting…"  
  
Hannah raised an eyebrow at Martha, who just shrugged and said, "You'd be surprised at what you can find on the net nowadays."  
  
"Really?" asked Sam eagerly. "Where?"  
  
Everyone stared at Sam.  
  
"Gotta love those slash authors," said Katie, grinning.  
  
As Jenni began to hum 'I feel loved', (U2) Martha scribbled down a web address and handed it to Sam. Frodo looked extremely disturbed.  
  
"Can I go next?" asked Strider.  
  
Jenni, surprised at this burst of enthusiasm from the ranger, agreed.  
  
"I have never spent six hours searching the forest for specific herbs to cure my split ends," Strider smirked triumphantly as Legolas drank.  
  
"Yeah, well…" he said blushing. "At least I know what a hair brush IS!" He glared pointedly at Boromir, Strider and Gimli.  
  
Emily giggled and began to play with the elf's long blonde hair.  
  
"Get off!" Legolas stood up angrily. "What is it with you girls and my hair?!"  
  
"It's nice," said Emily.  
  
"Yeah, it is." Agreed Martha.  
  
"I like what you've done with it," said Katie W.  
  
"What do you use?" asked Vicky.  
  
Legolas, his temper gone, preened as the girls gathered around him. "Oh, you do? Thank you very much. Yeah, I read about it in this magazine, oh, I'd say with your hair, I'd use a Camomile rinse, and with yours I'd use-"  
  
"Oh God," said Boromir. "Quick, whose turn is it now? I can't stand to watch him any longer."  
  
"I'll go," said Martha. "Okay, I've never, ever, ever, even when stranded with it in Mordor with no hope of escape, even considered sexual relations with," she shuddered, "Gollum."  
  
Hannah nudged her. "Shush! They haven't got to that bit yet! They're still in Lothlorien!"  
  
"Oops."  
  
All of the Lord of the Rings characters were in shock. "So that's what it's going to come to, huh?" asked Frodo.  
  
"We may as well give up the quest now," said Sam gloomily.  
  
"Don't worry," said Ellie. "I'm sure the good guys will win in the end."  
  
1.1.1.2 "As always," said Katie Rowe cynically. "Anyway, look on the bright side, you might die before you get to Mordor."  
  
"Like Boromir does!" giggled Becky. "Whoops…"  
  
Boromir wailed and Hannah glared at Becky. "Did you have to say that? You've gone and upset him now!"  
  
Jenni intervened. As nobody seemed to be getting very drunk, she tried to think of something that would make everyone drink. "Umm… I've never….not been called Jenni."  
  
"What?" asked just about everyone.  
  
"I've never not been called Jenni."  
  
"Yes you have," said Hannah. "You've been called lots of things by me and Katie."  
  
The two of them then began to list all the names they'd ever called Jenni, most of them unrepeatable.  
  
"Oh fine!" Jenni sulked, and then glared at Hannah. "I've never gone to see Lord of the Rings wearing a Frodo T-shirt."  
  
Hannah drank her champagne sheepishly, and Frodo looked pleased. "You really did that?" he asked.  
  
"Yep!"  
  
Strider looked disbelieveingly at Hannah. "You sad, sad person!" Frodo began to cry, and Strider backtracked. "Oops… I didn't say that out loud, did I?"  
  
"Yeah, you did," said Amy, looking from Boromir to Frodo. "Now we have two Lord of the Rings people crying!"  
  
"Do I really die?" sniffed Boromir.  
  
"Well…" said Hannah, then turned to the author. "Can't I keep him?"  
  
"Who would feed it? And look after it? And where would it sleep? Okay, stupid question."  
  
"But if we send him back the Orcs will get him!" protested Hannah.  
  
"Oh…but he was funny as a human pin cushion!"  
  
This brought forth a fresh torrent of tears from Boromir.  
  
Jenni scowled. "Okay then. But you take full responsibility for the consequences!"  
  
Boromir cheered and hugged Hannah happily. Jenni glared at Strider. "Why don't you act like that?"  
  
Strider grinned, "Because I'm not going to die if I go back, I'm going to be king!"  
  
"You might die…" Jenni flicked through the dog-eared copy of Lord of the Rings she had in her rucksack. "I'm sure you die somewhere…painfully too…"  
  
Strider looked shocked.  
  
"He doesn't die Jen," said Emily, who had finally escaped from Legolas's hair salon, (he was now straightening Ellie's hair for her.) "Can we get back to the game now?"  
  
"But I know he dies somewhere!!! He does!!"  
  
"Denial is not just a river in Egypt…" muttered Vicky.  
  
Jenni narrowed her eyes at Strider, and pointed a finger at him as if bestowing a curse. "You DO die!"  
  
"I've never…" Frodo glanced at Sam. "I've never had a crush on my master and best friend."  
  
Sam drank, and Frodo jumped up and shrieked, "I knew it! I knew it!"  
  
Something tugged on Frodo's tunic. "Precioussss wantss a drink Masster."  
  
Frodo shrieked even louder. "How did THAT thing get here?!"  
  
"Oops…" said Jenni closing the laptop quickly.  
  
"Precioussss is thirsty Masster…" Gollum downed some of Frodo's champagne and burped. "Ssorry masster….Bad Ssmeagol…Nassty Ssmeagol…"  
  
Frodo screamed. "Striiideeerr!!?"  
  
"Oh, go save yourself you wimp! I'm fed up of dragging your ass out the fire all the time!"  
  
Hannah pointed at Frodo and Gollum and began to laugh hysterically. "What's so funny?" asked Ellie.  
  
"Well…" said Hannah. "Frodo said 'I've never had a crush on my master and best friend,' and Gollum drank, - Gollum calls Frodo 'Master'."  
  
Ellie caught on. "Frodo and Gollum sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"  
  
Everyone giggled, and Frodo pouted. "That's not funny!"  
  
"My turn!" said Boromir. "I've never had sexual fantasies about…" he looked thoughtful. "Galadriel."  
  
"Damn you Boromir!" shouted Gimli, picking up his glass.  
  
"Gimli! Eeew!" said Sam.  
  
"What? Well you have a crush on Frodo!!" said Gimli, and drank.  
  
"It's true?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Poor woman," said Becky pityingly, causing Gimli to look affronted. "Emily?" she asked. "The fat elf is growling at me…" (Yes, Becky has dubbed Gimli 'The fat elf'… ah… the joys of science lessons spent boring her with Lord of the Rings babble…)  
  
"NEVER INSULT GALADRIEL!!" shouted Gimli. "You are not even fit to speak her name!"  
  
"I didn't…" said Becky, quite rightly.  
  
"Moving on swiftly….." said Martha. "I've never done anything that could be rated 18 at Bilbo's birthday party in the back of the food tent on August the 27th with Frodo or Sam."  
  
"You really need to get out more," Sam told Martha, whilst sipping his champagne.  
  
"Damn slash authors…" muttered Frodo, also drinking.  
  
"Speaking of which…" Emily glared at Jenni. "Let's prove this slash thing once and for all. I've never kissed anybody of the same sex."  
  
Sam and Frodo exchanged glances, and drank. "Well that was a given…" muttered Emily, before turning to Strider and Legolas.  
  
"I saw him!" said Jenni. "Strider drank!"  
  
"I didn't!" said Strider.  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Didn't"  
  
"Did!"  
  
"Well, said Emily, "Legolas hasn't drank yet, and that's what matters."  
  
Jenni continued glaring at Strider, willing him to admit he'd drank. Emily continued glaring at Legolas, trying to scare him into not drinking.  
  
Legolas giggled and reached for one of the three champagne glasses in front of him. Damn things kept moving about!  
  
Emily gasped. "But…but! But he's been drinking all night anyway, whether he's done the I've never or not!"  
  
"True," said Jenni.  
  
"I'm only in it for the drink!" said Legolas happily, grinning at the three Emilys in front of him and drinking from the bottle.  
  
"Is it just me, or has Legolas drank a little tiny bit more than the rest of us?" asked Strider, sounding concerned.  
  
"It'sh jusht you. You three." Legolas slurred. (Author avoids the U2 joke she is dying to make. Yes I know I'm obsessed!)  
  
"Either that," said Gimli gruffly. "Or elves just can't hold their drink the way us real men can!" The dwarf punched Strider on the arm in a manly sort of fashion, then downed a shot of champagne and promptly fell off his chair.  
  
"Right you sherves," said Legolas matter-of-factly.  
  
Ellie pointed at the elf and giggled, "Legolas is legless!!!" The others stared blankly at her. "Well, it had to be said!"  
  
After a pause, Becky giggled hysterically and rolled onto the floor. "Legolas is legless! Ohmigod! Hee hee hee! Ow! So funny! Hee hee! Can't breathe! Hee hee hee!"  
  
The others looked worried, but Katie glanced at her disdainfully, "She'll get over it."  
  
The pun dawned on Legolas, and he too began to giggle, "Actually," he said. "That'sh quite funny!"  
  
Hannah quickly tried to change the subject, as a grown man giggling is quite a disturbing sight. "Whose turn is it now?"  
  
Legolas continued to giggle.  
  
Strider rolled his eyes. "One drink and he's anybody's…"  
  
"You would know," muttered Jenni.  
  
"But do you see what I mean?" Strider was right, Legolas hadn't even seemed to notice the various fan-girls that had attached themselves to him.  
  
"Ellie, Katie, and Amy, give him some slack would you?" said Emily.  
  
The fan-girls wailed. Legolas was either giggling or hyperventilating.  
  
"You're probably gonna cut off his circulation…" said Jenni.  
  
"You could at least try letting go of his neck…" said Emily.  
  
"Sorry…" Katie said and reluctantly let go of his neck.  
  
"Uh…Amy?" asked Jenni. "I think his arm's turning blue."  
  
"Sorry Orlie," said Amy lovingly, and let go of his arm.  
  
"And holding his leg like that is just pornographic," said Strider.  
  
Ellie let go, only for Emily to grab the elf round the waist.  
  
Legolas continued giggling, and Strider sighed. "Why do I bother?"  
  
Author's note: Am running out of steam, so will stop the fic here before the gags get too pathetic. Plus I should really do my history coursework. Thanks Emily and Hannah for helping me out with this monster of a fic, and thanks also to whoever I forgot to ask about starring in it, I know I forgot some of you. (Just don't sue or anything… ^_^)  
  
I'm a pink toothbrush, you're a blue toothbrush, ahem, I WILL do my history now.  
  
Bye byeeeee….  
  
P.S. Whatdya think? Second chapter or no second chapter? 


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